Golf To A Different Swing

I'd had it. The golf course beckoned and I wasn't going to be kept down any longer. After all, a doctor is just another person with an opinion, right? So---with back corseted tighter than anything my great-grandmother could have imagined, elbow strapped up, both thumbs and wrists velcroed into nearly rigid claws, I pushed the golf cart with my forearms down to the Pro Shop. I noticed only a slightly-raised eyebrow as the cashier took my money and handed me a scorecard.

This was my reasoning:  the doc had said no REAL golf for several more months. He had given a half-hearted okay to chipping and putting. It took me a few weeks of mental juggling to figure out that what I was doing wasn't REAL golf.(Remember "what is the definition of 'is'?")

First of all, what I normally do out on the links couldn't be called REAL golf by any stretch of the imagination.

Second, if I only used a 9 iron and a putter there's no way that could be REAL golf.

Third, since I've never been able to take a full swing with that huge galaxy-sized driver anyway, that would surely disqualify my game as REAL golf.  Great! Full justification acheived.

I was told I could wait for approximately 37 foursomes ahead of me on the front nine or tee off with a stranger playing as a single on #10. Duh! I flew out to the tee and simply told him I was joining him for teeing off. He looked very puzzled and I could tell he wasn't that pleased. I just told him to tee off, wait for me to "tee off" and then we'd go our separate ways. Kind of like a one night stand only it was daytime.

After seeing me use my driver with a quarter swing and sending the ball into someone's back yard BUT ACROSS THE WATER HAZARD, he scurried ahead of me and out of sight. Mission accomplished. I was once again alone on the golf course.

Golf is a very interesting game when you are only using  a 9 iron and a putter. It's made even more interesting when your right elbow is constrained and your right thumb is not in the game. Add inability to grasp the club with much more force than moving your fine wedding china from cupboard to table, the only variable left is making the ball go straight.

Okay--so I took 10 strokes on the first hole. I was getting used to the new grip and approach. And yeah, I ended up in the same creek on the 13th hole twice--don't ask. Other than that, my score was only a few strokes higher than it had been 3 months ago. I was never in the rough and I never landed in a bunker. The new putting stance I've worked out--left toe pointed towards the pin and right toe pointed at the ball--makes putting without much wrist movement pretty accurate. I one putted two greens, three putted two greens and the rest were plain old two putts.

Here ends the first installment in Gimp Golf.

The Blog Is Not Dead But It Does Gasp

One is barely coping.


On top of a boneyard-dead desktop computer and loss of two years' worth of photography, a much-loved camera falling out of the Jeep onto the street and shattering, a lost cell phone, a new one that I hated, a found old phone, a return to old phone, a new Mac, dislike of Mac and giving it the boot, a new PC whose video card immediately quit, new video card, PC switching which hard drive from which to boot and going dead in the water, hauling of CPU back and forth to Geeks, the heartache of dealing with an aging mother whose mental lapses cause all 'round confusion and THEN--the final bitch slap by fate--tendonitis from golf!

Both thumbs, hands, wrists, forearms, right elbow and lower back are in braces and trussed tighter than the Thanksgiving turkey. One is not pleased.
One has despaired.

One will return.


But not just yet.