What Happened to the Glass Jar?

I had an hour to kill while Dah Mama was getting her hair done. A craving that had only been lurking in the back of my mind suddenly burst through as a full-blown thought: I WANTED CHEESE WHIZ!!!!

I don't usually go to grocery stores--germs, you know--but I headed directly to the Safeway(keeping safely within all posted speed limits). I learned two things today from being in a real grocery store and not doing shopping online. First, anything marked organic is going to be twice as expensive and twice as ugly and second, Cheese Whiz doesn't come in cute little jars anymore.

Okay--I can live without the jars. But the amazement to find out that Cheese Whiz comes in flavors! I could get aerosol Cheese Whiz in American, cheddar, sharp cheddar and English(whatever that is) flavors! Life is good. And all the cans still had those wonderful words stamped under the lid--No Need To Refrigerate. What a world!

Back to beauty shop, yank mother from hairdresser's chair, fly back home(observing all posted speed limits, keeping the required distance from the vehicle in front of me, and moving to the left if I even thought I saw flashing lights on the road shoulder), plop mother in front of TV and sort out the mess from her trying to figure out the two remote controls required to watch the tube, snap off one shot of blooming iris, and home to eat Cheese Whiz.

I was about to toss back my 7th Whiz 'n cracker when Mr. T calls from office, "Say, how about we go out to dinner tonight?"

Timing is everything. Oh well, I can always ask for a doggy bag for food that must be refrigerated and have plenty of room to finish off the canned stuff before bed.

A Few Things

"I think I need a few things."

I know Mama talk--she means she needs something that in a past day would have been called "unmentionables." You know--UNDERWEAR!

Since actually going out and shopping is no longer an option, I assured her I would go online and find the "things" she needed. Good Golly, Miss Molly! I just clicked onto Macys.com and typed in underwear. I might as well have wandered into a hookers' catalog.

What happened to regular panties? Underwear that covers what needs to be covered and is no big deal? Underwear that can actually go through the washer and dryer at least 100 times? Underwear that NO ONE is going to see except you when you fold it and put it in the drawer?

I was so glad I had not invited my mom over to do dual computer, online shopping. She would have needed the salts more than I do. And this is MACY'S--not Sluts-R-Us!

I made a discreet inquiry to a friend of a friend who has a daughter who explained to me that it's not called 'butt floss' for nothing.

And then the big bombshell--girls nowadays are deciding to go commando so there will be no pantyline at all. NO UNDERWEAR? Pass me those salts.

Don't these people realize that women from my mother's generation hung their underwear inside the pillowcases on the clothesline so they wouldn't be visible to any passersby? My mother can't even say the word 'panties'!!

I never did find something suitable to order for my mother. I told her "they" were "out." That's right--there's not a single pair of panties to be found in the hemisphere. I suppose I will be forced to put out an Ebay search to find regular old cotton panties that have an elastic WAISTband. I really must get out of my cave more often.

And to bring the story full circle, check out this link.

http://www.nbcphiladelphia.com/news/weird/Mom-Fights-to-Air-Her-Clean-Laundry-88018162.html

POST-RACIAL

 DOES NOT EQUAL

POST IDIOTS.

The Census is coming! The Census is Coming!

US CONSTITUTION

Article 1

Section 2

Regarding the census......

(Representatives and direct Taxes shall be apportioned among the several States which may be included within this Union, according to their respective Numbers, which shall be determined by adding to the whole Number of free Persons, including those bound to Service for a Term of Years, and excluding Indians not taxed, three fifths of all other Persons.)
http://www.usconstitution.net/xconst_A1Sec2.html
 

The census exists to determination representation and states' shares of taxes collected.

 
Our government spent $42 million on sending out the letter last week telling us our census forms were coming in the mail next week. It is the perfect example of the old saying:  IT'S IN THE MAIL!
 
You do not have to answer anything but your name and number of people in your household. You do not have to participate in a government-sponsored marketing survey.
 

Heaven Smiled

I had a doctor's appointment and had allowed plenty of time so I wasn't in any hurry. My mind was on overload with the Mama events of the last month but I was also trying to form my argument to the rheumatologist why there has to be a way to manage the hands so I can hold a golf club. Although the 18th hole is presently under water from all the rain, the blooming daffodils and camelias are a big hint that Spring is here. What I'm trying to say is that as I navigated the trusty Jeep over the hilly road I was thinking golf grips and getting a grip on the "bad stuff" when I came up on a small white car just creeping along.

 Obviously I slowed down. Then, to my surprise, I noticed these flashing red and blue lights in my rear view mirror. Thinking the cop was on his way to a real emergency I pulled over only to hear this LOUDSPEAKER telling me not to pull over there but to go to the next street and pull over there. WHAT? MOI? What could possibly be wrong? A tail light out on the Jeep?

Imagine my surprise when the cop came up and asked me if I knew how fast I was going! Well of course I didn't know how fast I was going and I told him I didn't have a clue, only that I'd had to slow down for that little white car. He told me he'd clocked me at 50 mph in a 35 mile zone! I was really surprised but told him I just hadn't been thinking about how fast I was going. He then wanted to know if I had an excuse for speeding and, out of curiosity, I asked him if my excuse would make any difference. He admitted it wouldn't and I said, "Well, I do have a doctor's appointment but I have plenty of time--I just wasn't paying any attention." That kind of surprised him and he asked for my license which I had. THEN he asked for some other things and I was wracking my brain to try and remember what and where those other papers might be. He told me to look in the glove compartment and all I saw was my cool khaki Jeep manual so I handed that to him. He wasn't impressed and said he thought he saw some papers still in the box. He was right! Oh thank you, Mr. T. Those were the right papers and I guess everything was okay because he simply handed them back to me.

Then he asked an odd question--"Have you had any moving violations in the last 18 months?" I knew if I told him the truth he'd think I was lying but I went for it:  "Officer, I've never had a ticket in my whole life."

He actually didn't seem that surprised--did he already know that? Had I passed a test? In any event, he said, "Well, I'm not going to be the one who gives you your first ticket and break that record." You mean I wasn't going to get a ticket??? I held my breath and said THANK YOU. He really was a very nice man and he cautioned me about speeding. I thanked him again and said I had always hoped if I ever got a ticket for something it would be for driving the Jeep in a terribly dangerous fashion while tearing up a part of the Mojave Desert--you know, a ticket one could brag about to all one's friends. He then began to laugh and agreed--that was the best kind of ticket to get.

So I can now add being pulled over for speeding to my list of Life Experiences. It must be a turn in my streak of bad luck--even the doctor agreed to handwrapping and giving golf a try when the rain lets up.